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archives (by month): 2012: jan . feb 2011: jan . feb . mar . apr . may . jun . jul . aug . sep . oct . nov . dec 2010: jan . feb . mar . apr . may . jun . jul . aug . sep . oct . nov . dec 2009: jan . feb . mar . apr . may . jun . jul . aug . sep . oct . nov . dec 2008: jan . feb . mar . apr . may . jun . jul . aug . sep . oct . nov . dec 2007: jan . feb . mar . apr . may . jun . jul . aug . sep . oct . nov . dec 2006: feb . mar . apr . may . jun . jul . aug . sep . oct . nov . dec |
Running? At my age? No sweat! Thanks to the suckers paying 15.3% of their income to supply me with artificial hips and knees, I can do whatever the hell I want with my retirement! If they don't see a lick of Social Security themselves, well, tough luck! It's not my fault they were born so late.
I don't think there's any doubt that this is a fictional work, Susan... Don't give me that look. Come on. You believe all this stuff happened? Really? Go ahead, ask someone. See what they say when you tell 'em that you think Huckleberry Finn's a real guy.
It's gonna cost three grand for the cover-up?! Why didn't you tell me that up front? You think I'm trying to fake my death cause it gives me a boner?! I'm in debt, dumbass. How am gonna... You don't care? Well, you're gonna care when I fake my death again so I don't have to pay you. Did you think of that, genius?
"Richard? Richard? Is that you? But I thought... I saw you laying dead in a casket! My every day has been consumed with sadness, and now you have returned! Oh, Richard!" "Ma'am! Take your hands off me! I know not of Richard but that he must have lived his life in the constant agony of your grip."
Die, bastard horse! You murdered my friend in cold blood... Cold horse blood!
Someone will pay for this, Richard... I promise you. Your circles shall not go unworn. Word is bond.
"Yes... yes, that's him. Oh, Richard... you were cut down so young." "Ma'am, I'm sorry about your loss... Technically speaking, he wasn't cut... from what we can tell, he was kicked in the head by a horse while attempting to affix some sort of circle device to the creature."
"Are you going to Richard's funeral, dear?" "No, mother... you know I can't bear to see him like that. I shall grieve alone." "Well, all right... all I'm saying is that it's gonna be a major sausage party. Burly, sad men... lonely men... moustaches dripping with tears. I'm blushing just thinking about it. Mercy! I'd better go before I faint right here."
SOCCERRR KRACKED BY CATBAL 2008 CATBAL's feverish skill at "cracking" computer software is obvious. His efforts have been largely ignored, unfortunately, due to the dwindling audience for pirated Commodore 64 games in the year 2008.
Goddamn it... the plane on here is flying upside-down. Another six bucks down the drain. Last time I spend any money on the damn internet.
What do you mean, you "owned" me? I'm not a slave, Lutetia... I'm as much of a free woman as you are. Ruby! Quiet! Do your sewing. Heh... owned.
No free refills on wine? Inexcusable... Well, they're going to be pretty ticked when they find out I'm a food blogger. A well-linked food blogger, at that.
LOOK AT THIS DOG! PROCLAMATION: This dog is motherfucking sweet. He eats the finest leftover beef portions. Last seen showing me where to go.
To celebrate the 25th anniversary of the charter of the city of Cincinnati, the mayor assembled the area's best cooks. They trussed a colossal beast, and spent ten hours cooking it over an open roasting pit. When the charred carcass was removed from the pit, the mayor made a short speech, after which he plunged a carving knife into the roast. The knife barely scratched the surface of the elephantine cadaver, upon which it was discovered that the men had attempted to roast the stump of an oak t
"You didn't grow anything except onions?! Seriously? I don't even like onions, Helen. What were you thinking?" "Well, you don't like tomatoes, so I skipped those. Cucumbers grow well in this climate, but neither of us like cucumbers. And I planted some DVDs of Cum Sluts: Tales From The Funnel in the back of the patch, but they never took root."
You want a quah-tah? Good birdie want a quah-tah? I give you quah-tah, you tell my fo-chun. Com on. Good birdie.
No need to run away! This is America! We protect our rich white men, remember?
Heavenly father, we ask you this day to forgivohs... I know you said not to dig up a guy, but I think I left my bible in there. Amen.
Wednesday, August 13 What did I even do today? I don't re 18-hour COPS Marathon
Whoa... you can get gonorrhea in your mouth? Why didn't anyone tell me about this?! Hmm... mouth Alzheimer's. Gonna have to watch out for that one.
Being a professional jet-skiier is a demanding job... when I'm home on the weekend, I like to relax with a few beers and a good video game. Hell yeah! My guy looks just like me! No wonder I'm already on the last level of Hotel World.
Young lady, cover your hair! And stand up! Or else you may as well write a letter to all the world's vermin, inviting them to climb up your locks and set up house on your scalp.
What kinda license you got, a fishing license? Learn to pole, dumbass. As populations in the region increased, the reports of "boat rage" climbed exponentially.
Thanks for the cut on short notice, Joe... I gotta put together an important presentation this weekend. One of those Powerpoint deals. File > Save As > sledding-like-a-motherfucker.ppt
I always knew we'd die together in the middle of the ocean.
Police! Police over here! These men are laughing! At something I do not find funny in the least! Lock them up, in the interest of all that is moral and correct!
I'll finish up the moat... you can build a department of homeland security to keep terrorists from knocking down our sand castle.
Okay, deep breath.. now say "Dr. Anderson is awesome." Sounding good. Say it again. Dr. Anderson is awesome. Um... hey. My mom wanted me to ask you... where did you go to medical school? Oh, you know... here and there. Twenty dollars going twice... stethoscope and jacket SOLD! To number... ah, I can't see your number. Sold to the lady in the stirrup pants.
Yes, Clarence! Yes, of course I'll take your hand in marriage! Oh, how grand! We must send a telegram to my sister at once! Put a part on the end to ask your sister where my balls are
Okay, uh... pull your hair back... put that mask on... then stick your stupid face in the water. That'll be thirty-five bucks.
Hey, man, it looks like it's gonna storm something fierce in a bit. I don't usually care, but last time the weather looked like this, we had a forty-day flood. You wanna get washed away cause you're two under on the front nine, be my guest. I'll be in the clubhouse. See you if I'm wrong.
archives (by month):
2012: jan . feb
2011: jan . feb . mar . apr . may . jun . jul . aug . sep . oct . nov . dec
2010: jan . feb . mar . apr . may . jun . jul . aug . sep . oct . nov . dec
2009: jan . feb . mar . apr . may . jun . jul . aug . sep . oct . nov . dec
2008: jan . feb . mar . apr . may . jun . jul . aug . sep . oct . nov . dec
2007: jan . feb . mar . apr . may . jun . jul . aug . sep . oct . nov . dec
2006: feb . mar . apr . may . jun . jul . aug . sep . oct . nov . dec
2012: jan . feb
2011: jan . feb . mar . apr . may . jun . jul . aug . sep . oct . nov . dec
2010: jan . feb . mar . apr . may . jun . jul . aug . sep . oct . nov . dec
2009: jan . feb . mar . apr . may . jun . jul . aug . sep . oct . nov . dec
2008: jan . feb . mar . apr . may . jun . jul . aug . sep . oct . nov . dec
2007: jan . feb . mar . apr . may . jun . jul . aug . sep . oct . nov . dec
2006: feb . mar . apr . may . jun . jul . aug . sep . oct . nov . dec
